Light One Candle for Love
I have spent the last ten years in a perpetual state of seeking 'the one' with very little direction. I've dated all kinds. Tall. Short. Older. Younger. Mexican, Iranian, Italian, Asian. Every one of the religious denominations or no religion at all. All in an attempt to find that thing, that unnameable, I'll-know-it-when-I-see-it thing.
In the beginning it was good fun. After a couple of long-term relationships ended, it was exciting to be in a position where I could go on dates with new people. To be in a state of hopeful anticipation, to feel the rush, wondering when they'd text or what my next date would be like.
But as the years went on, I kept going through them one after another after another. When one ended, I was eager to get back on to the apps, thinking that surely then, in an inbox full of matches, my future partner would be there. And to be sure I didn't miss out I'd date three at a time and pressure myself to make a decision, only for all of it to slip through my fingers again.
My dating life started to resemble a bit from Family Guy. The one where they lured a man on the street by placing a trail of candies, and after each step he looked onto the next as if it was an entirely novel occurrence and said, "Oh look! A piece of candy!"
I started reading books about it. Attached. How Not to Die Alone. Calling in the One. How to Get the Guy. Settling for Mr.Good Enough. Psychological Books, spiritual books, and further along, faith-based books.
And all the while, swiping. Swiping. Swiping.
I tried to manifest it, as I talked about in a past blog, and lit a candle for love in a little candle magic ceremony. I stopped and started a "21 day love meditation to find your soulmate." I would do these kinds of things and then look around every corner. I started looking for signs, too, about when it would be and who it would be.
I'd record the things I believed I heard in prayer, like September. One morning I heard a voice telling me to get off of the apps. That I'd already met him. Stop swiping. I tried to practice patience as best I could. And I did delete the apps, which gave me relief while I waited for September. And then the morning arrived.
September 11. Today is the day.
By the way, I don't recommend this. Because I did get a text from someone on that day and a couple of days later he got back together with his girlfriend! And I'm ashamed to say that I really hung around, waiting for them to break up again because of this 'sign' I believed I was given.
When January rolled around, after many, many prayers to God, that I was ready - really ready, something else came to me. On Easter you will have that day.
Easter has always been my favorite holiday, and it was such a special day at my church. I loved it, and I really wanted someone to be able to share that experience with.
But February went by. March went by. And then I found myself only a few days away and the person God had promised me had still not shown up. I got down on the mat and did a love meditation, desperately, to try to will him into being. And what happened next changed my life.
I was preparing to experience love, to imagine myself already living out my future destiny with my husband. But instead of seeing my husband, it was Jesus that came to me. I was in a garden, beautiful and lush, with a river running through it and flowers and trees and every kind of plant, and tall mountains all around protecting it. And next to a shady tree there was a bench where I sat looking out at the water, and Jesus stood behind me and put his arm around me. He comforted me. Even as I held in my hands this idol that I'd been holding onto.
And it was in his loving presence that I was able to let it go from my hands. And he directed my gaze to each of the people in my life whom I loved so much, and who loved me too. It brought me to tears, even now recounting the experience. Each one of my friends, each of the members of my life group at church, seeing them as individual beautiful people and recalling the way that they embraced me for who I truly was. My family, whom I adore. Each one of my siblings, and my cousins, and my parents, and even those that I had not got along with.
I was sobbing, taking in this feeling of overflowing love. He showed me that I had more love in my life than I could ever know what to do with. That I didn't need to keep looking around every corner.
When Easter came, I was able to appreciate my favorite holiday in a way I never had before. Surrounded by my dearest friends, it was one of the most joyous days of my life. And then I knew what that earlier promise had been about, the one I believed God had given me, that I would 'have that day on Easter' and get to share it with 'the one.'
It was Jesus.
He used all of my longing and searching, even my attempts at manifesting, to bring me to that place. To reorient me. And looking back, I truly believe that it was out of God's love for me that I didn't end up in a relationship, or worse, married, to someone who would have been atrociously wrong for me.
I used to think I'd have to settle on the shared faith component if I ever wanted to marry. Friends reminded me the importance of being 'equally yoked,' but I brushed it off out of fear. I tried to convince them once of someone I was seeing, "sure he's a believer, he's Italian!"
I thought there was no way I would meet someone in this modern age that I could both be attracted to and have shared Christian values with. I'm kind of sad now to think about all of the situations I put myself in that I was so not okay with. Like going to a guy's house to spend time in his hot tub (!!) even though I wasn't invited to a party he was hosting that evening.
Before I relocated I was spending five nights a week at church, between volunteering, Adoration, Mass, and different social gatherings. And I found that I was sometimes embarrassed to share that with people I dated for fear of sounding like a Jesus Freak.
I struggled with it so much, so fearful that I was missing out on my opportunity to meet someone that I almost let it shake my faith. But I am so glad I kept listening to His voice, calling me ever closer. And the more I uncover the teachings of his Church, the more life is starting to make sense. Like everything is clicking into place.
One of those discoveries has been the Theology of the Body, the teaching about God's holy and beautiful design for marriage. For so long I'd been so confused and misled, believing in the secular view of dating culture and intimacy, even when it didn't feel right. I was looking for marriage when I didn't even know what marriage was!
But through my ever-deepening relationship with Him, I've gained confidence about what I want in a partner. The deeper I go, and the more time I spend waiting, the more I can see what God is doing with my heart. I'm still waiting in hopeful anticipation, but I trust Him. I'm not being jostled around aimlessly in the wind.
I think back to all of the looking for signs. Should I pursue this person? Is this match going to be the one I marry? I'd taken my eyes away from what was most important. The signs on His hands and feet. He loves us. And He will take care of us.
This Christmas season, the Church will celebrate Advent to prepare for the coming of Christ. And in the final week, we'll light one candle for love. Quite different from the candle I used in my bedroom that afternoon in LA, trying to conjure something up. This one will reflect God's love for us. The most beautiful love story ever told.
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